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FROM THE VALLEY: Blasting Off Into This And Outer Space


Headline: Lady Gaga's dogs kidnapped.

By-line: Dog-walker shot in the process.

For clarification, I love my dog, I'm sure all pet-owners feel the same way towards their pets. But the order of this reported two-in-one crime, as illustrated by the placing of the animal abduction ahead of the assault on human life, struck me as odd. And it wasn't just one source that reported it that way.

Perhaps if it were written: 'Lady Gaga's dog-walker shot' and then 'Dogs kidnapped in the process,' it might have better served the natural pecking-order which mankind holds over the animal kingdom. One can't help think that simply because the dogs were a celebrity's pets, they were elevated to a more prioritized stature. I'd certainly hope not.

The preceding, meandering tidbit was for no other purpose than to get it off my chest. When I've got an itch to scratch, I go after it here in this space, my column, completely at the expense of your valuable time. I'm sorry. Let's move on.

Next: I was watching an ad on TV where actor, record-producer and rapper, Ice-T says, “Hello, America, this is your boy, Ice-T.” I was wondering if I walked up to him on the street and called him my boy, how he'd react?! I mean, after all, that's who he said he was. Just wondering.

And, by the way, there's no way I'd do that. Nor do I think calling him Mr. T. would get me an invite to come over and hang at his crib for awhile. To me, it just seemed out of character, given who and how he likes to portray himself. Know what I'm sayin'? (Another itch that had to be scratched.)

Next: Have you ever noticed that every time a spaceship (that's right, a spaceship) is launched to wherever, the obligatory bottom-line reason that's provided for the mission is always “to help (us) determine the origins of the universe … and life, itself.”

And regardless if that destination is the moon, Mars or an asteroid, we

are instructed that the primary steps upon arrival is to see whether water was ever present on the surface. And then, check for the follow-up possibility that some form of life may have existed there. Apparently, with those clues in hand, we can figure out the genesis of our entire existence.

Here's the absurd deal: if you were an entity on one of those previously mentioned desolate places and were looking for the same answers about the universe - and you just happened to have a telescope powerful enough to see the planet Earth, up close - wouldn't you think …

“Hey, that planet has an atmosphere and water; and, unbelievably, all sorts of life. They've got it all. If we go there, we will have all the evidence we need. There would be no reason to take a rocket to some distant, barren, buck-naked, monster-sized rock flying around the cosmos. Our search would be over.”? (It started out as question, that's the reason for the question mark. Go back and check if you don't believe me.)


Please nod your head up and down now in total agreement. I'll assume you did, and be able to move on with several more somewhat related topics.

Eliminating that quest for little green men, means we could direct our attention to other mysteries right here on earth. Like what in the name of Hershey, Pennsylvania is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups talking about when they say “Not sorry” in all of their commercials? I'm sorry, - no pun intended – but I haven't a clue as to what they are not apologizing for. Actually, I'm not sorry.

Another puzzler: Why do I know lawyer William Mattar's phone number, but don't have the slightest idea what my wife's cell number is? S'up with that?!

Do you think the answer to those riddles could be hiding somewhere? Like maybe inside a lunar crater? Or just below the martian surface?

I'll tell you what: I'll just move on, again … and slip out the back door.

That's the way it looks from the Valley.

Are you gaga over your pets? Let me know:

The author Tom Valley is definitely gaga over his pet.

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