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From The Valley: My guess is today is April 93rd

BY TOM VALLEY

The following is an hour or so delayed reaction from three days ago, uttered by yours truly: “HEY....!!!!”

Background explanation: Our storm door on the back of the house sits in a vulnerable position. It is susceptible to wind-damage from even the slightest breeze. Mother Nature shows no mercy when wielding her leverage regardless of what's in the way. Not very motherly-like.

I've had to reattach those cylinder-shaped ginkuses to control the door's opening and closing dozens of times, but it's always for naught, it never lasts. They are over-matched by gusts which routinely pulls them from the wall-casing or door itself. Bottom line: it was time to replace the door; it was battered from the constant abuse.

It was also time for …. (cue the trumpet blare) “ta-dah” ... Super Repairman. Unfortunately, he wasn't available, so … I dove into the deep end ... again … and decided to fix it myself. (Wah, wah … waaaah.)

Despite the lack of encouragement from my wife, my plan was to unscrew the door from its four hinges. I was, mind you, going against the usual process by removing it from its own framework. My theory being that I could buy a new-door assembly, take that one off of its hinges and just plop it in where the other one was. Kathie begged me to please, please, please have the store, where I was going to buy the door, send someone to install it. And being the good husband I am, I listened to her. But being the normal husband I am, I also didn't follow her advice. Yeah, right, have someone else do it?! Not!

“Let me show you something,” I explained. “See up there,” I said as I stood on my tiptoes to reach the top hinge, “I simply unscrew that and the other ones, put the new door in place and screw it back up.”

“Well,” she said, “if anyone can screw it up, it's you!”

“Thank you” I smirked.

I now refer you to the opening paragraph.

Next: I came up with a good idea on how to win a bet from someone. Here's what you do: When some know-it-all shows up at your house - someone who actually knows nothing - tell him/her how you trained your pet to speak fluent English and he can actually tell you the date and what the time of day it is. Bet them on it.

Of course they will be skeptical, but reassure the person that the conditions are as simple and as clear as you described, Once they agree to the bet, tell them that they have to address your pet by name, first, and speak loud and clearly. Once the person understands, tell them your pet's name … “Alexa.”

You might also tell the soon-to-be-loser that you taught your pet some ventriloquism tricks.

Look, in my defense, I've had a lot of time to sit around and think of this stuff. After all, I'm still waiting for the door-guy to show up and clean up the disaster someone made by trying to hang our storm door.

Next: Why do they categorize someone who is very sick as in “grave” condition? Wouldn't that mean the person is dead?

Different stuff: I wonder if the anti-government people who refuse to take the advice and guidelines set forth during these troubling times - because they think the federal government is always wrong and overstepping its bounds - are going to cash the stimulus checks that the very government they are trashing - is sending them to help cope with the restrictions they are supposed to be following? Just wondering.

Finally, equal opportunity giggles based on fact: Joe Biden was being interviewed on TV the other day. He complained that “The Republicans are accusing me of plagiarism.” He then added “their words, not mine.”

Another: The President visited a remote, mountainous village in West Virginia. With his usual group of PR people and cameras rolling, he asked one of the residents what the federal government could do to help them.

The mayor of the small community stepped forward and said we have two major needs. “First, of all,” he said, “we have a small hospital here but no doctors.”

The President whipped out his cellphone, made chit-chat and then turned back to the mayor and smirked, “I've just taken care of it. There will be a doctor here tomorrow. What's your other problem?”

The mayor shot back, “We have no cell phone reception anywhere near the area.”

Must be fake jokes.

And that's the way it looks from the Valley.

Today's homework is 'John 3:20' :

Tvalley@Rochester.RR.com

The Author Tom Valley Doing his best to avoid being unhinged

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